Old and New
by Bobby South
Summary: Here is a brand new parody series for Family Guy to spoof - The 'Toy Story' Trilogy! Starting with the first movie and the first movie with 100% CGI.
1. Introduction

Family Guy Presents:

'Old And New'

Here is a brand new parody series for _Family Guy _to spoof: The _Toy Story _Trilogy! Starting with the first movie that made movie history becoming the world's first computer animated movie ever...

Note: I own nothing. _Family Guy_ and _Toy Story_ belong to the greatest animation minds of Seth MacFarlane and Pixar. Watch out for characters from _American Dad! _and _The Cleveland Show_, other shows from MacFarlane.

**Cast List**

Toys

Glenn Quagmire as Woody

Cleveland Brown as Buzz Lightyear

Peter Griffin as Mr. Potato Head

Chris Griffin as Rex

Brian Griffin as Slinky Dog

Carl as Hamm

Mort Goldman as Lenny

Jillian as Bo Peep

Phineas and Barnaby as Rocky and Barnaby Gibraltar

Steve as RC

Tom Tucker as Etch

Captain Monty (from _American Dad!_) as Mr. Spell

Seamus as Mr. Shark

Santos and Pasqual as Snake and Robot

A Barrow of Evil Monkeys

Stan Smith (from _American Dad!_) as Sarge

Jeremy as the Aliens

Stewie Griffin as Baby face

Bertram as the frog

Beauregard LaFontaine as Jingle Joe

Tim the Bear (from the _Cleveland Show_) as the Paw-in-the-box

Coach Charles McFall (from _The Cleveland Show_) as the Rockmobile

Rallo Tubbs (from _The Cleveland Show_) as the Walking Car

Joe Swanson as Roller Bob

Holt (from _the Cleveland Show_) as Ducky

Connie D'Amico as Legs

Sanders and Jackson (from _American Dad!_) as Combat Carls

Meg Griffin and Neil Goldman as Janie and Pterodactyl

Terry and Greg (from _American Dad!_) - as Marie Antoinette and her little sister

Humans and Animals

Johnny Collins (from _American Dad!_) as Andy

Olivia as Molly

Lisa Collins (from _American Dad!_) as Andy's Mom

James Woods as Sid

Robert (from _the Cleveland Show_) as Scud

Hayley Smith (from _American Dad!)_ as Hannah

* * *

><p>At Spooner Street, the Griffins were holding a party for their friends to watch the Golden Globes. Among the people who were invited were Quagmire, Joe and Bonnie Swanson, Mort, Muriel and Neil Goldman and Cleveland Brown managed to come to Quahog as Donna was taking their kids to her sister Janet's house, with her two stressful sons.<p>

Soon the Globes began, but then the power went out! Everyone was panicking and getting very upset. Peter brought a back-up generator up from the basement, but he fell over from the first step and it broke into pieces.

"Oh, great!" moaned Mort. "What are we going to do now?"

"If I don't do something soon, I'll go crazy!" cried Joe.

"I drove all the way here for nothing?" moaned Cleveland Brown.

"You want to make out, Meg?" asked Neil.

"Ew! No!" exclaimed Meg.

"Can you guys keep it down?" screamed Stewie. "I'm trying to beat Rupert at a game of cards!"

Peter looked at Stewie and Rupert playing cards. Then this gave him an idea.

"Gather around, everyone," he said to everyone. "I have a very exciting story to tell. A story that has everything."

"Beer?" asked Brian.

"Dancing?" asked Meg.

"Hot chicks?" asked Quagmire.

"Disabled people?" asked Joe.

"Poop?" asked Chris.

"No!" snapped Peter. "I meant, this has comedy, drama, excitement and friendship. This is a _Toy Story_..."


	2. The Staff Meeting

In a Wild West town, the bank was held up by One Eyed Pete.

"All right, everyone, this is a stick-up!" he shouted pointing his gun at the townsfolk. "Now, empty that safe and give me ten pints of beer!" The townsfolk emptied the giant piggy bank and starter filling the bags of money. One Eyed Pete was enjoying his pints of beer.

"Hey, if we give you ten more pints, will you leave us half the money?" asked Bo Peep.

"Nah!" snapped One Eyed Pete. "One more word out of you and your sheep get run over!" He wasn't bluffing. Her sheep were trapped on a Hot Wheels track loop.

"Well, don't just stand there!" snapped one of the sheep.

"Do something!" snapped another.

"Wait, I own those sheep?" thought Bo Peep. "I thought I own some cows or ducks."

"What? Little Bo Peep lost her cows or Little Bo Peep lost her tiny feather balls?" laughed One Eyed Pete.

"Well, she _does_ own me!" shouted a voice.

Everyone turned around to see a cowboy walking on scene. "Reach for the sky!" the cowboy cried.

"Oh, crap! Sheriff Woody!" cried One Eyed Pete.

"Hi, One Eyed Pete!" greeted Woody. "Are you going to come quietly?"

"No, I don't give up too easily!" replied Pete. "You've chased and caught me lots of times, yet you don't know me very well."

"Isn't it my cue yet?" asked a dog with a Slinky body, walking next to Pete.

"What? Oh, yeah," said Pete, getting his act together. "You can't touch me sheriff! I brought my attack dog with a built-in force field and who poops metal poops."

The dog bit his ass and a force field grown over Pete.

"Well, I brought my dinosaur who eats force field dogs and who has much worst smellier burps and farts!" shouted Woody. Then behind him a big green dinosaur came and started roaring on Pete and his dog, but it wasn't working. Then he let out a giant burp. The force field went off and the dog was wrapped around his master.

"You're going to jail, Pete," said Woody, dragging both of them into a jail cell. "Say goodbye to the wife and tater tots!"

When Pete was in his cell, a giant baby picked him up and started to knock his parts out...

* * *

><p>...around Molly's cradle. One Eyed Pete was a Mr. Potato Head doll in real life and now her brother Andy had given him to her to play with or more like to bash with. The whole set-up scene was Andy playing with his toys in his bedroom.<p>

"Come on, Andy!" cried his mom. "Your friends will be here very soon! And bring Molly down!"

"Coming, Mom!" Andy cried back. "Come on, Molly." He picked Molly up and walked out of their room. "See you later, Woody!" Then he closed the door behind him.

The Sheriff Woody doll was lying on the bed. Suddenly, the doll actually came to life... in the real world! He stood up and his happy face fell down.

"Oh, my God! The birthday party's today?" Woody said to himself. Then he picked himself up and shouted, "The coast is clear" to all the other toys who got up and move around.

Woody turned to a green army soldier. "Hey, Sarge, do you know where Slinky is?"  
>"Maybe he's in the garden doing his business? Ha ha ha!" laughed Sarge. "Sorry, I couldn't resist. But, no, seriously, I haven't seen him."<p>

"Okay, thank you," said Woody. "At ease."

Woody jumped off the bed. "Er, Slinky?"

The Slinky Dog came out under the bed. He realised he was wearing a metal condom on his behind. He shook it off. "Yes, Woody?"

"I got some bad news," Woody told him.

"What bad news?"

"Shut up!" whispered Woody, making sure no one heard him, which unfortunately they did.

"Just order a staff meeting and be happy," ordered Woody.

"Okay," said Slinky walking away.

"I don't see a happy face!" snapped Woody, prompting Slinky to grin.

"Come on, everyone, it's time for a lovely staff meeting!" Slinky told everyone, putting a lot of enthusiasm. No one really bought that, but they got ready anyway.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Woody was walking to grab his doodle pad. Then he passed Etch.<p>

"Draw!" he shouted and turned to fire, but Etch beat him to it. "Oh, you got me again. How do you manage to keep on beating me?"

"Watch Etch News and you'll get what I mean," replied Etch, moving away.

"Ah, there's my doodle pad," said Woody. "Who moved it here?"

Then the victim arrived with a mighty roar. "How's it going, Rex?" asked an unmoved Woody.

"How scary was that?" asked Rex.

"I've seen hot chick dolls having a tea party scarier than your roaring!" Woody told Rex.

"Oh, damn, I'm never ever gonna be scary!" sighed Rex.

When Woody turned around to go to the staff meeting, a crook caught his neck and pulled him to meet Bo Peep! "Hi, Bo!" greeted Woody.

"I wanted to thank you for saving my sheep, Woody," said Bo. "Or was it my ducks."  
>"Well, thank Andy," said Woody. "He makes me do all this heroic things."<p>

"What do you say I get someone else to watch the sheep tonight?" asked Bo.

"Oh, my God! Do you mean it? That would be so awesome!" exclaimed Woody.

"Well, you know where to find me," said Bo, walking away.

Woody had been standing there watching Bo walk away. "Hey, Woody, we've been waiting here for over ten minutes!" cried Slinky. "Are you coming or not?"

Woody quickly ran to his podium, grabbed the microphone of Mike and checked it was working out okay. "Hello? Can everyone hear me? Is everyone groovy? Cool! Okay, first item for today: Has anyone had a swine flu injection?"

"A swine flu injection? You're joking!" exclaimed Hamm the piggy bank.

"Who caused it this time? The Mexicans? The Irish? The Germans?" joked Potato Head.

"Guys, I'm serious!" snapped Woody. "If you haven't had it, get it! Also, Tuesday night's _Harry Potter_ movie night was an awesome success and we want to thank Mr. Spell for putting that on for us. Thanks, Mr. Spell."

"Arr, don't mention it," said Mr. Spell.

"And, also for more good news, Osama Bin Laden has been killed, Johnny Depp and Tim Burton are working together once again on a movie version of _Dark Shadows _and Andy's birthday party has been moved today. And moving on..."  
>But everyone's screaming and panicking cut him off.<p>

"His birthday party's today?" yelled Rex. "I thought his birthday was next week."

"What is his mom thinking?" asked Hamm.

"Well, you know with this move coming and you know how stressful having guests are? This seemed the perfect answer," Woody told him. "Besides, the sooner we face this thing the better. That's what we toys are lucky to do, only we don't choose to do it."  
>"Well, let's do it now because THEY'RE HERE! BIRTHDAY GUESTS AT THREE O'CLOCK!" screamed Hamm.<p>

Everyone screamed and ran for the window, leaving Woody alone.

"Ah, meeting adjourned," sighed Woody sadly. "Giggity."

* * *

><p>All the toys were on the window ledge watching Andy's friends coming to the door. They were carrying presents.<p>

"Yes, sir, we're top of the garage list for sure," moaned Hamm.

"Any dinosaur shaped ones?" asked Rex.

"Any Playskool ones?" asked Potato Head.

"Any plastic beer bottles?" asked Slinky.

"How do I know?" asked Hamm.

"I KNOW!" snapped Woody at the top of his lungs. They all turned around to face Woody.

"I can send the troopers out to find out," Woody told them. "But if I do, will you all calm the f*** down?"

"Yes! We promise!" shouted a panicking Rex.

"Okay, it's a deal," said Woody sarcastically. He jumped on the bed. "Sergeant, establish a recon downstairs. Code red. Can I trust you?"

"Of course, you can, sir," said Sarge. Then he jumped down to the 'Bucket of Green Soldiers' tub. "All right, men! You heard him! Well, what are you waiting for? Get on with it, unless you want to be in the electric chair! LET'S MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!"

And the Green Army began their mission.


	3. The Green Army's Mission

Sarge led the Green Army out of Andy's room and to the upstairs banisters of the hallway. He got out a pair of binoculars and saw Andy, his mom and his friends near the door. "All right, it's time for the presents," said Mom. "Take your shoes off, go to the bathroom if you need it and then we'll get right in the big room and open the presents."

The kids slowly took their shoes off. "Oh, come on!" snapped Sarge. "I've seen much quicker dyspraxia people take their shoes off much quicker."

After about two minutes of waiting for them to take their shoes off, Sarge had to wait ten minutes for the kids – each turn – to go to the bathroom.

"Finally!" sighed Sarge. Then he gave the arm down and two paratroopers jumped down from the railing and landed down stairs. They checked and listened for anyone coming, which didn't seem to be happening, so one of them gave the other troops the all clear. A jump rope from upstairs to below was lowered down and Sarge and the troopers rappelled down.

When they were about walk to their rendezvous point, they heard someone coming. "Freeze!" ordered Sarge.

"Did someone say freeze?" asked the toy version of Frozone. "No problem!" He froze the entire Green Army and froze himself away. Then Mrs. Davis came in, carrying a tray of crisps. She stepped on one of the frozen troops.

"Ow! I thought I told Andy to pick these up! And why are they frozen? I'm going to have a word with him later." She kicked the Green Army away with her right foot and walked away.

When the coast was clear, the Green Army came back to life. "Well, you're not on vacation! Get to the rendezvous point! Move! Move!" ordered Sarge. Then he saw the soldier that Mrs. Davis had stood on.

"No, go on without me!" he moaned. "Just go!"

Then Sarge thought for a minute. He had a tough choice: The mission or the soldier. Then he remembered what his trainer, General Bullock, said to him. "A good soldier never leaves a man behind."

"A good soldier never leaves a man behind; a good soldier never leaves a man behind," Sarge kept on repeating to himself. Then he ran to the wounded soldier and helped him up. Then he gave the signal to the men from upstairs to lower the baby monitor. Sarge helped the wounded man to the rendezvous point, which was a house plant. The soldiers carrying the baby monitor met up there as well.

* * *

><p>Back in Andy's room, Woody turned the other baby monitor on.<p>

"What's taking them so long?" asked Rex.

"Hey, these guys are the best!" protested Woody. "I wouldn't send them if they weren't."  
>"I think they're just a bunch of useless, wasteful, plastic green – " Potato Head began, before sound came out of the monitor.<p>

"I heard that, you stupid, fat spud!" shouted Sarge. "Anyway, Andy is opening his first present."  
>"Quiet, everyone!" ordered Woody.<p>

"It's a big one. It's, uh, an electric toothbrush! We got a toothbrush!" reported Sarge.

"A toothbrush," laughed the toys.

"Okay, the next thing is a blanket version of Elton John, given by Andy's gay friend," reported Sarge.

"We have six year old gays?" asked Potato Head.

"Gay people are born gay, Potato Head!" said Slinky. "And I think it's great that this guy is not too shy to show how he feels."

But Potato Head took his lips off and kissed his ass.

After more presents, including a _Millennium Falcon_ toy, a _Lord of the Rings _card game, a _Dating for Dummies_ book and a box set of the complete _Baywatch_, Sarge finally reported the last present, which was a _Lost DVD Interactive Board Game_. The toys were happy and relieved.

"What did I tell you? Nothing to worry about," smiled a proud-of-himself Woody.

"Come in, Sexy Cowboy, Mom has brought out a surprise present from under the stairs," reported Sarge from the monitor.

"What did the Sarge tell you?" chuckled Potato Head.

"I can't quite make it out... it's a..." But then the monitor went silent. The toys were getting anxious.

"It's a what? What the hell is it?" yelled Rex, as he grabbed the leg of the nightstand and rocked it. Unfortunately, the monitor fell on the ground and the batteries fell out.

"Oh, you bone idiot!" shouted Potato Head.

"Way to go, Mr. Dino Bean!" yelled Hamm.

"Mr. Thick-as-your-plastic dinosaur!" snapped Slinky.

"Mr. Brainless Triceratops!" Bo Peep joined in.

"Shut up!" ordered Woody. "Shut up and put the damn batteries in!"

So Potato Head and Hamm tried to put the batteries back in, but they couldn't seem to put them in.

"Oh, let me!" sighed Woody as he jumped off the bed and put the batteries in himself. He did it just in time to hear Sarge. "Didn't you guys hear me? Maintain your positions now!"

"Oh, my God!" cried Woody. "Andy's coming, everyone! Get back to your positions now!"

So everyone quickly ran to their positions and froze just in time. They saw Andy and his friends running around the room. They saw Andy putting something on his bed. Then the boys left the room to go to play games downstairs.

Then the toys came alive and walked to the bed. No one could see what the thing was on the bed.

"Woody, who's up there with you?" asked Rex.

Then who should come out under the bed but Woody!

"Woody, what are you doing under the bed?" asked Slinky.

"Raping a Diana Doll or a Tessie Bear or every female toy fromToyland," laughed Woody. "Sorry, Enid Blyton writes such good books. Anyway, Andy knocked me over the bed and put someone in my sport. It was just a mistake."

"Have you been replaced?" asked Rex.

"Yes, I'm going to sit here and let some new bastard take my spot! No! I told you earlier that no one is getting replaced!" shouted Woody. "Now, come on, let's all be cool and groovy and give whatever it is up there a gorgeous, sexy Andy's room welcome."

Woody started to climb the bed and stopped half-way to see what was on the bed.


	4. Buzz Lightyear

On the bed was... a space ranger toy. He was in a big space suit with buttons all around him and a big helmet over his face. He came to life and started looking through his space helmet. Then he pressed a button on his chest. "Star Command? Come in, Star Command. Do you read me?"

Then the space ranger gasped as he ran to his ship, which was his actual cardboard box he came in, and checked the damage, which was only a little rip one of the wings. "Damn! This'll take weeks to repair." Then the ranger opened his wrist communicator on his arm. "Mission log. Stardate 1995. My ship has run off course from Sector 12. I crashed landed on a strange planet. I was dreaming of Halle Berry during hyper-sleep until the impact woke me up. The terrain seems unstable. I dare not move just in case of quick sands nor open my helmet in case there is no air. And there seems to be no sign of intelligent life anyway."

"Hello!" greeted Woody.

The space ranger nearly jumped out of his space suit and fired his laser, which was a red light that blinked, at Woody's head.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," said Woody. "My name is Woody and this is Andy's room. And his bed is my spot and I need this bed for humping chick toys, so is that all right with you?"

The space toy saw Woody's badge and withdrew his laser. "Local reinforcement! About time you got here, Sherriff," said the space toy. "I'm Buzz Lightyear, Space Ranger of the Universe Protection Unit. Sooner I repair my ship, the sooner I'll get off your spot. Do you people still have fossil fuels or have you people discovered renewable energy sources?"

"Well, we do use cock rings," joked Woody.

Then Buzz Lightyear turned around and pushed Woody down. He aimed his laser at the rest of Andy's toys. "Halt! Who goes there?"

"Don't shoot! We're friends!" Rex said.

"You know these weirdoes?" Buzz Lightyear asked Woody.

"Yes, they're Andy's toys!" replied Woody.

"Okay, everyone, you may come up," said Buzz Lightyear. "I am Buzz Lightyear. I come in peace. I bring you no harm."

"Wow! I'm just glad you're no dinosaur," said Rex, shaking Buzz's hand.

"Thank you all for your kind welcome," smiled Buzz.

Soon, all the toys gathered around Buzz and telling him how new he looks and how awesome he looks and how Woody looks like a caveman compared to him.

"So where are you from?" asked the toys.

"I'm from the Star Command Station," replied Buzz. "And my job is to protect the galaxy from the Evil Emperor Zurg, sworn enemy of the Galactic Alliance!"

"So, Mr. Lightyear, what does a space ranger actually do?" asked Rex.

"Look, he's not a real space ranger!" snapped Woody, beginning to grow jealous. "He's just Andy's new toy."

"I think the lizard man is right about me being a space ranger," protested Buzz.

"Well, you're both wrong!" yelled Woody. "You don't fight evil or shoot lasers or fly!"

"Well, I beg to differ!" Buzz pressed his big red button and out from his back shot some wings.

All the toys were amazed and impressed, except Woody who just yawned. "Plastic wings, so what? That doesn't mean he can fly."

"With trillium-carbonic alloy wings, yes, I _can_ fly," argued Buzz.

"No, you can't! You can't fly through a basketball hoop, if Michael Jordan's career depended on it!"

"All right! I'll prove it to you!"

Woody scoffed as Buzz climbed on the bedpost.

"Welcome to the Toy World Stunts!" said John Bunnell. "Here is newcomer, Buzz Lightyear."

"To infinity and beyond!" Buzz cried, as he closed his eyes.

"Buzz jumps off and bounces on the ball," Bunnell went on, "and lands on the Hot Wheels car and goes through the entire track and catches the plane on the roof and spins around and falls back on Andy's bed."

"See, I told you," smiled Buzz, staring at Woody. "Can!"  
>Everyone cheered and continued making a big fuzz of Buzz. Everyone except Woody. "This Buzz Lightyear crap may have started ten minutes ago, but in a couple days, it will end and everything will go back to normal, just like the Egyptian and the Roman Civilisations. I'm still Andy's favourite toy!"<p>

* * *

><p>A couple days turned into almost a week! While Andy was busy helping his mom pack for the move, he would have Buzz as company instead of Woody. And when Andy wasn't around, Buzz would join the toys' activities like card games or their gym sessions, help them if they had any problems like finally making Rex scare the spare parts out of Mr. Potato Head and they, in turn, would help him fix his spaceship. This was really pissing the urine and crapping the poop out of Woody! Buzz even replaced Woody him as Andy's bedtime friend! Woody would have to sleep in the trunk.<p>

On the night before the eve of the day before the family was moving, Andy's mom decided to take a break from packing and have a meal at Pizza Planet. She told Andy he could only bring one toy.

Woody heard that and wanted to be that "one toy". He turned to a toy Yoda. "Hey, Yoda, will Andy pick me?" he asked.

"Difficult to see," replied Yoda, closing his eyes. "Always in motion is the future."

"Oh, f*** you and your force!" yelled Woody. He grabbed Yoda and threw him down the desk. He looked to see Yoda there. Then he looked at Buzz and had an idea.

"Buzz! Buzz Lightyear! We've got trouble!" yelled Woody.

"Trouble? Where?"  
>"Down there! Behind the desk! A helpless toy who can't even wipe his own ass! He's trapped, Buzz!"<p>

"Then there's no time to lose!" Buzz ran to the desk and looked down. "Oh, look, it's Jedi Master Yoda from _Star Wars_. Surely, _he_ can use the force to climb himself up."

"No, he's really helpless!" said Woody. "Just keep looking."  
>"But if he's strong with the – " Then he saw Woody was sending R.C. to him. He dodged out of the way, only to get hit by pushpins from the falling bulletin board. The board hit the globe and sent it rolling towards Buzz. He tried to run from it, but he got stuck "log-rolling" on a pile of pencils. He had the company of an Indiana Jones doll to join him. They both rolled out of the way. But the globe was not finished. It hit the grey Pixar Lamp that spun around. It missed Woody, but knocked Buzz and Indy out the window.<p>

"Buzz!" cried the toys, looking out the window.

"Indy!" cried the toy dolls of Sallah and Marcus Brody, looking out the window.

"Junior!" cried the Henry Jones Sr. doll.

Everyone saw Buzz and Indy land in the bushes.

"Can you see him?" asked Hamm.

"I can't see him!" replied Potato Head.

"He must be in Sid's yard!" exclaimed Slinky.

"Guys! Guys! I can tell the story!" said R.C.

Rex turned to R.C. "Hey, everyone, R.C.'s trying to tell us something. What is it, boy?"

"I was driven to push Buzz down behind the desk," R.C. replied.

"And I know who!" exclaimed Potato Head. "My four eyes saw and capture everything and all its details – "

"Who?" Hamm demanded.

"All right! It was Woody!"

All the toys turned to face Woody, who had been trying to sneak away. "Whoa! Whoa! You really think I meant to throw Buzz out of the window? Don't you think if I was going to that, I would've done it days ago? What do you think, Potato Head?"

"That's _Mr._ Potato Head to you, you jealous rapist bastard!" shouted Potato Head.

"Now, I admit I never liked Buzz from the beginning, but this thing was an accident," said Woody. "People make mistakes and have accidents all the time. Believe me!"

"No, I won't believe that crap!" snapped Potato Head. "Just like I don't believe O. J. is innocent, even if the judges thought he was."

"I have had crap leaders before," shouted the Sergeant as he popped out of the bucket, "but you've really pissed me and the boys off with your selfish deeds! Where is your honour, slut-face? You don't deserve to – "

"Oh, shut your tiny green faces up!" yelled Woody, slamming the lid on their bucket.

"You know, Woody, Sarge is right," said Potato Head, as he and other toys got closer to Woody. "You don't deserve to be the leader of us all. You just wanted to be the star for change, because you didn't have your own series like me or Buzz. That's why Seth MacFarlane never let you have you own show nor will he ever."

"Well, if he's not happy without being the star, I think he should be put out of his misery!" joined in Hamm. "Let's kill him the way William Wallace and Jesus died!"

"And Lord Sauron!" added Rex.

Sarge and the men broke free from the stuck lid. "There's the bastard, men!" cried Sarge. "Time for munity!" The men cheered as they fragged Woody. They caught him on his face, his hat and his balls!

The other toys gathered around him. Then a Dalek toy arrived. "Sherriff Woody, you have killed Buzz! For that, your sentence is... Extermination! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exter – "

All the toys stopped and halted. "All right, Mom, I'll be right down!" cried the voice of Andy. "I gotta get Buzz." Then the toys retreated back to their positions. Andy came in and just couldn't find Buzz. "Mom, have you seen Buzz?"

While Andy was looking for Buzz, Woody could see that Etch was sketching the rancor pit and Potato Head pointed to him. Woody gulped as he looked down to see a big rancor pit set with a toy rancor on it. Then he went limp again.

"Mom, I can't find him," cried Andy.

"Just grab another toy," said his mom. "Now, come on!"

"Fine," sighed Andy, as he grabbed Woody and went out of the room. As soon as the family van moved away, the toys began a plan to help Buzz back up. They needed a whole barrel of evil monkeys. They were so dangerous and not many toys could manage them. As stupid as she was, Bo Peep was the only one who could calm the evil monkeys down and made her do what she wanted. Holding the monkeys by the end of her staff, she lowered it out of the window, but it could not reach the bush Buzz fell through.

"It's not working!" cried Slinky. "We need more monkeys."

"Well, you're not gonna get anymore," Rex told him. "That's the whole barrel. We have to try something else."  
>"Getting those dangerous furry bastards out for nothing!" moaned Potato Head.<p>

Rex looked down to the bush. "Buzz, the monkeys aren't working. Stay calm. We're thinking of another plan."

"Now what else can we do?" asked Potato Head.

"Well, what about using snakes and ladders?" suggested Brian, looking at Snake and Robot, who protested in Spanish and moved away.

"What about making a rope of plastic poop?" suggested Rex. "I can feel it coming. I eat a lot of curries."


	5. Pizza Planet

The family car hadn't moved very long until they came to a Dinoco Gas Station. Andy got out to help his Mom with the gas. Now he was alone, Woody came to life. He was still feeling unhappy and uncomfortable. "How can I prove to those toys that it was an accident?" he asked himself. Then he got his answer. Something from the car roof fell through. It was...

"Buzz!" cried a Woody with a sigh of relief. "You're alive, unharmed, groovy and sexy! How did you get here?"

Buzz stood there, looking angry. "I climbed out of the bushes and climbed on this large landspeeder and I've been climbing on the roof while we were speeding," he answered coldly.

"Well, Andy will find us here, he'll take us back to his room and then you can tell everyone I did this by accident," said Woody. "Right, buddy?"

"Well, wherever you did it by accident or on purpose, revenge is not an idea we promote on my planet," said Buzz. "However, we're not on my planet, are we?"  
>"No." And next thing Woody knew he was pushed out by Buzz out of the car and under it. He pushed him to a tyre.<p>

"Look, I'm sorry," Woody tried to apologize. "Can't you find it in your heart – "

But Woody was pushed to the tyre again. Now he was really pissed off. "All right, you tight bastard! Come on!" he shouted, running to the space ranger.

As he ran, Buzz punched the cowboy in his face, which caused him spin around and vomit. Then he jumped on the space ranger and flipped his helmet open. Buzz seemed like he was struggling for air. Woody just stood there looking like he didn't give a damn.  
>"Next stop?" said his mom.<p>

"Pizza Planet, yeah!" cried Andy as he got back in the car.

"Andy!" Woody shouted, as the car drove away. "He doesn't know I'm not that there? I'm not one of those toys that are so small and are easy to lose." Then he gasped. "I'm lost! I'm a lost toy!"  
>Buzz smelled the air and breathed okay. "The air isn't toxic," he thought. Then he closed his helmet and opened his communicator. "Buzz Lightyear, mission log. The sheriff and I seem to be near some giant refuelling station called Dinoco."<p>

"That does it!" Woody shouted as he ran for Buzz. Then they saw a large tanker truck and they both moved in the middle to avoid the wheels. "Why Woody collapsed and let the truck run over him in the original movie, I'll never know!"

"According to my navi-computer – "

"Oh, shut up with this crap already!" shouted Woody.

"Sheriff, pull yourself together!" ordered Buzz. "This is no time to panic!"

"This _is_ the perfect time to panic!" protested Woody. "Andy is gone, they're going to move house in two days and I'm lost and it's all your own fault?"  
>"<em>My<em> fault?" Buzz scoffed. "I beg to differ. You're the asshole who pushed me out of the window in the first place!"

"Well, you're the bastard who showed up in your crap cardboard and took everything that was important to me like my spot on Andy's bed, hitting my chick dolls and – "

"_You_ call that important? Because of you, the security of this entire universe is in trouble!" argued Buzz.

"What? Explain that!"  
>"Right now, at the edge of the galaxy, Evil Emperor Zurg had been secretly been building a weapon with enough to power to destroy an entire planet!" Buzz told him, looking at the stars. "Star Command needs me because Commander Nebula says I'm the best damn space ranger he ever had. And I don't want to be outranked by any shithead taking my place. And this may be all possible all thanks to you delaying my rendezvous with Star Command!"<p>

"YOU ARE A TOY!" shouted Woody, who really had enough of Buzz. "Buzz Lightyear doesn't exist; he's made up like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Mother Goose and Gandhi! You're just a child's bloody play thing!"

"You are a sad, strange, ugly, miserable, useless, brainless little man and you have my pity. Look for the Star Command Charity for the Poor and Defenseless Planets. You might get your name on the list. Farewell!" And Buzz walked away from the cowboy.

"Oh, yeah, well, good riddance, you Looney Tune!" snapped Woody. Then he walked away. Then he saw a truck coming up. "Pizza Planet? Andy!" Woody began to walk out, but then he thought up of another problem. "Oh, great. Just when I thought I got rid of that space chump for good." He turned to face Buzz. "Buzz! Come back!"

"What for?"

"Well, uh..." He looked for something to convince Buzz to come. Then he saw the rocket on the Pizza Planet truck. "I found a space ship!"

Buzz turned around, thought about it and went to see if Woody was lying. He wasn't. He could see the rocket on top of the rocket. "If we, uh, stowaway on that space freighter," Woody said, trying to speak space-ish as best as he could, "it will return to its shuttle stop."

"You mean port of origin," Buzz corrected him.

"Whatever. And then once we get there we'll be able to find a way to transport you back to your planet in time for _Playboy TV_," finished Woody. "All right!"

"Let's go!" ordered Buzz. They all ran to the Pizza Planet truck and climbed up it. Buzz went in and put his seatbelt on. There would've been enough room for Woody, if Buzz hadn't taken it all.

"Buzz! Do you think you could move a bit?" asked an annoyed Woody.

"Negative!" replied Buzz. "There is no room for anyone at all, unless you were a domino!" He laughed at this toy joke.

Woody sighed. "Very funny!" Then the truck started its ignition. Woody ran to the back of the truck, opened the back hatch and got in the back of the truck. "Just great!" he moaned. "My friends hate me, my alien enemy from space that crapped all my chances of making everything right and now I'm travelling lower than low-class in a pizza truck! How worse can it get?"

Woody got his answer when the truck was driving very fast and he was moving up and down, bumping into every corner. Coffee and sauces would cover him up, a bunch of hooker dolls would land on him and give him some diseases or illnesses and a giant toolkit was heading towards him.

"Okay, my question is answered!" shouted Woody, but that did not stop the toolkit!

* * *

><p>The Pizza Planet truck arrived at its port of origin – the Pizza Planet Restaurant. When the driver got out, Buzz took off his seat belt and looked through the windscreen. He saw customers going in and out of the restaurant. He knew he needed Woody to get in. So he looked to the back.<p>

"Sheriff? Where are you?" Buzz asked.

Woody appeared both like he was drunk and like he got hit on the head. The hooker dolls ran away.

"The entrance is heavily guarded," Buzz told him. "We need a way to get inside." Then he saw Woody lifting a lemonade cup off him. "Great idea, Woody. You're not quite the brainless and selfish bastard I thought you were."

"At last, something we agree on," snapped Woody under his breath.

Woody got in the lemonade cup, while Buzz managed to fit in a burger box. They got out of the truck and quickly made their way to the restaurant. "Quickly, Sheriff, before the airlock closes!"

They managed to get in. They froze to let the some kids walk past. Then the burger box moved forward and bumped into the lemonade cup.

"Watch where you're going!" snapped the lemonade cup.

"How can I?" protested the burger box. "I can't see through it."

"Why not use that thing's a little red light bulb that blinks to make holes in the box?" suggested Woody sarcastically.

"Good idea," said the burger box. After a few seconds of laser sound, nothing happened. "I don't understand it. Maybe this shield is harder than I thought it was."

"Oh, come on!" snapped the lemonade cup. "We're getting closer to the main control room of this space port!"

The lemonade cup and the burger box walked into a little corner where no one could see them. Woody and Buzz took their disguises off.

"Hey!" They stopped to see toy action versions of Mystery Inc. running towards them. "So you're the Lemonade and Burger Monsters!" yelled Fred.

"They put me off lemonade and burgers," moaned Shaggy.

"Re roo," joined in Scooby.

"Oh, piss off!" shouted Buzz.

"If I'm not getting away with _this_, I could get away with _this_," said Woody, as he tried to hug and kiss Daphne who screamed and ran away. The rest of Mystery Inc. chased her.

Woody and Buzz walked further and Buzz was amazed to see what the main control room was like – which was really an arcade area with video games and slime lemonade to drink.

"What a bloody awesome spaceport!" exclaimed Buzz. "Good work, Woody! Now we need to find a ship heading for sector 12."

You know what Woody was looking for – Andy! With luck, he managed to find Andy and his mom and Molly in her pram. "This way, Buzz!" exclaimed Woody, grabbing Buzz. "I just found a special ship that will take us anywhere."

"Then does it have hyperdrive?" Buzz asked.

"Hyperactive hyperdrive!" Woody told him. "And astro turf. And modern-looking too."

"Oh, really? Where is it?" Buzz wasn't looking where Woody was looking. "I don't see any giant blue clear rocket with a red top. Oh, there it is!" He was looking at the rocket which was a crane game and he went for it.

"Okay, Buzz, when I stay go, we jump in the, uh... What do you spacemen call... basket. We're going to jump in the basket." But Woody discovered Buzz jumped in the rocket crane game. He turned to see Andy and his family walking away. He missed his chance to jump in the basket. "Oh, great!" moaned Woody. "This is just my favourite day of my life!"

* * *

><p>Buzz entered the rocket via the prize chute and climbed in the centre of the rocket. He met some little green aliens with three eyes. They looked ill and unhappy. Buzz saw a terminally ill medical freighter poster on the wall.<p>

"A stranger from the outside," said one.

"And he looks a picture of health," said another one.

"Our wish is to meet a famous space ranger has come true!" joined in a third.

"Ohhh!" everyone exclaimed.

"Greetings! I am Buzz Lightyear!" greeted Buzz. "I come in peace."

Behind him, Woody had managed to catch up. "This is an emergency," Buzz went on. "I need to commandeer a vessel heading for sector 12. Where's your captain?"

"The Claw!" exclaimed the aliens.

"What kind of a captain do you call that?" asked Buzz.

"One that chooses who will go and who will stay," answered one.

"This is really taking the piss!" sighed Woody. Then he heard someone behind him that sounded similar. He saw a boy in blue jeans and wearing a black shirt with a skull on it.

"Oh, no, it's Sid!" cried Woody.

* * *

><p><em>Sid was Andy's neighbour. The families never got on well with each other, but for the toys it was much worse. They knew Sid very well. He was a toy destroyer! His passion in life was to blow up toys. <em>

_He would blow up not only the Dark Side of the Force toys, but the Light Side of the Force too! He would make it look like the ending to_ The Return of the King_ was the opposite way. And every ship in the Caribbean Sea including Jack Sparrow's _The Black Pearl _would've sunk in the boggy ditch of Sid's back yard. And just before today, it was..._

"_... a Combat Car," reported Lenny the binoculars. "No, not just one but two Combat Carls. Combat Carls are a G I Joe type toy that – "_

_"Yeah, we get it, Lenny," interrupted Lenny. "Oh, you missed Carl Frederickson. Near them."_

_He was right. "I lost my wife," groaned Carl Frederickson. "Time to be put out of my misery." Carl was strapped with a M-80 on his back. So were the other Carls. _

_"What's going on?" asked Buzz._

_"This is an all-toy matter, so we have no need for spacemen here," Woody told him nastily._

_"I'd better take a look, anyway," said Buzz, taking Lenny. "Why are those prisoners not fighting? Why are they welcoming death?"_

_"That's why – Sid!" sighed Woody, pointing Lenny to a corner._

_"He sure is a hairy fella," said Buzz._

_Woody looked through Lenny. "No, that's Scud, you shithead! That's Sid!"_

_He saw Sid laughing evilly. Then Sid turned to his dog, Scud. "You want excitement, Scud?"_

_"Bring it on!" smiled Scud._

_"Not if _I_ can help it!" exclaimed Buzz._

_"What are you going to do?" asked Woody sarcastically. "Melt him with your scary laser?" He pressed his laser button._

_"Be careful with that!" snapped Buzz. "That's extremely dangerous!"_

_"He's lighting it! Hit the dirt!" ordered Lenny._

_The toys took cover. BOOM! All the toys looked to see all the three Carls had been blown away. _

_"How was that?" asked Sid._

_"Bloody awesome!" shouted Scud._

_"I could've stopped him," sighed a defeated Buzz Lightyear._

_"I would've loved to see you try, Buzz," teased Woody. "I would like it more to see on coconut stand, testing your helmet against whatever kids will throw at you, wherever it's a ball or a knife or a shotgun. _

_"I think we'd better move house," said Bo Peep._

* * *

><p>Now Sid was coming towards the crane game.<p>

"Hide yourself," yelled Woody, pushing Buzz down under the aliens.

"What's gotten into you sheriff?" asked Buzz.

"You're the one who decided to climb into this rocket area where I might catch diseases from these – "

"Quiet!" ordered an alien. "The Claw moves!"

The claw _did_ move. It leaned down and caught one alien. "Thank the Claw! My wish is to be with a child before I die has finally come true. Farewell my friends!"

When Sid got the alien, he saw a Buzz Lightyear action figure! He put another coin in and caught Buzz. But Buzz wasn't going up, he was going down! Woody was trying to pull Buzz out of the door of the crane game. The aliens pulled Woody and Buzz back in.

"He has been chosen!" one alien told Woody.

"Do not fight the Claw!" another told him.

"The Claw is not your god!" snapped Woody. "Stop it, you – "

Finally, the claw managed to pull Buzz and Woody up and dropped them into the prize chute.

"Cool! Double prizes!" smiled Sid, as he picked up his two new toys. "Let's go home and play," he laughed.


	6. Welcome to Sid's Room!

Woody, Buzz and the alien watched everything from Sid's backpack, as he was skateboarding back home. Sid left the bag partly unzipped and the toys could see drunks outside a bar, a guy making out with a bunch of prostitutes, three guys mugging someone and a dog taking a piss behind a lamppost.

Finally, they were approaching Sid's house. When Sid opened the door, he met Scud. "What sorry-ass toys have you got for me this time?" asked Scud.

"Check this one out," Sid chuckled as he got the alien out of his bag and put him in front of Scud's eyes. "Ready, steady, go!"

All Woody and Buzz could do was watch the poor alien get eaten by Scud.

Sid's sister, Hannah, came down from the stairs, carrying a doll with glasses called Janie. "Hey, Hannah, how are the whales doing?"

"Like you care," sighed Hannah.

"I _do_ care," protested Sid. "Hey, Hannah, is that the last surviving bee up there?"

"Where?" Hannah looked up, then Janie was snatched out of her hand. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"Janie's sick!" said Sid. "She needs an operation."  
>"Oh, no, not Sid's room!" exclaimed Woody.<p>

"What's wrong with Sid's room?" asked Buzz.

"What's wrong? Nothing apart from the fact that it's like the only one dungeon no toy can ever get out!"

"A toy maybe, but a space ranger..." When he entered the room, he saw how dirty and untidy and dangerous his bedroom was. "...can't."

Then all they could see was Sid putting Janie on his desk and getting out a pterodactyl. Then they watched with horror as him messing and fiddling with the toys.

"I don't think that man has ever been to medical school," thought Buzz.

"Nor flight school or medical school or law school," added Woody. "He's quite the Frank Abagnale Jr.!"

Sid finished something, ran to the door and gave Hannah Janie back. "Here you go!" he chuckled. But Hannah screamed as Janie now had the pterodactyl's head on her body. Hannah ran off to tell her mother.

"Don't listen to her!" cried Sid. "She doesn't know what she's saying, as women never do!" He threw the toy onto the ground and slammed the door behind him.

"Well, I don't know – or care – about you, but I'm outta here!" said Woody, getting out of Sid's back. But it was locked. He dropped down and looked around.

"Can I help you?" asked a voice.

Woody grabbed a torch and it shone on a baby face. "Well, if you can help this poor man find a way out of this bad room," said Woody in a baby-like voice, "this poor man would be very happy."  
>Then the baby face walked more to the left... on his spider-like legs from an erector set! Woody gasped and shivered.<p>

"Yeah, I'm scaring you, am I?" chuckled the baby face. "They don't call me Babyface for nothing, you know!"

"Say, what did I miss?" asked a duck's head on a baby doll torso with a plunger base called Ducky. "Oh, it's not one of Hannah's toys."  
>"And not sexy either," said a fishing rod on legs.<p>

"Look who's talking!" snapped Woody.

Then the hook from the rod whacked him in the face. "Don't talk to Legs like that!"

Then he met a lot of strange toys like a wind-up frog on wheels, the Rockmobile – a strong torso with a praying mantis head, a half-man on the skateboard called Roller Bob, a car with arms and legs calling himself the Walking Car, a Combat Carl head on a Melody Push Chime called Jingle Joe and a Paw in the Box.

"Have you seen a bible?" asked the Paw.

Woody ran back into the bag, where Buzz stayed all the time. "Well, you're the space ranger, do something!"

Buzz pressed his blue button. "Come in, Star Command. Send in reinforcements. Star Command, are you there? Well, as we space rangers say, you want something done, you gotta do it yourself. I'll set my laser from stun to kill."

"So you're going to blink them to death, are you?" asked Woody.

* * *

><p>Buzz kept on his watch, hour after hour after hour. Then he and Woody drifted off. Then they woke up and froze when Sid came in. "Time for some fun," he chuckled, as he grabbed Woody. He threw the poor cowboy doll to the ground and he opened his blinds from his window.<p>

"You know, I'm feeling bad about the way I treated you last night," Sid said. "From now on, I'm going to my room like a hotel room. I'll give you massages and food and... sun tan beds." Woody was in the hot sun. As if that wasn't bad enough, Sid got out a magnifying glass and put it on Woody's head. It was steaming!

"Is this hot enough for you?" asked Sid.

"Sid, it's pancake time," cried Sid's mom.

"All right!" exclaimed Sid.

As soon as he left the room, Woody jumped up, screaming his head off. He tried all places to look for. The glass of water on Sid's bedside table was well out of reach. He couldn't reach Sid's sink. He daren't ask the weird-looking toys. The only liquids he could see were all flammable. Then he saw Sid's bowl of cherries where he dunked his head in.

Buzz helped him up. "I'm proud of you, Sheriff," he said. "A lesser man would talk. When I say, lesser man I meant a weak man, someone unlike Arnold Scwhwarzenegger."

Woody wasn't listening to Buzz's positive reaction. He was upset with the mark on his face he was seeing on the spoon. "Oh, look at me!" he moaned. "My beautiful face!" Then he saw something on the spoon that gave him hope. "The door! It's open! We're free!"

He ran for it, but he was stopped by Sid's toys.

"Where do you think you're going?" asked Legs.

"The outside is dangerous," said Ducky.

"I made it out once, I wish I never did!" moaned Roller Bob.

"And it's against the law of the bible to commit suicide, like in that James Stewart movie," the Paw in the bow joined in.

"_Mr. Smith Goes to Washington_?" asked the frog.

"Buzz, do something quick!" snapped Woody.

"I don't want to do this, guys, but I will," said Buzz, firing his laser at the toys. "It's not working. It should – "

Woody sighed. Then he saw a button above Buzz's belt. He pressed it and out of his "ass" unleashed an enormous gas. The toys groaned and choked as Woody pushed Buzz to the door.

"Thanks for the tips, guys, but no thanks," Woody said.

* * *

><p>Woody ran happily down the stairs, but he stopped as he saw Scud sleeping! He slowly walked back upstairs. He just made it to the top, when – "Yew Hah! Giggety giggety goo!" Woody saw his pull string was stuck on the wall banister! Every time he tried to move off, there would be different voices.<p>

"Aw, shucks, it was nothing, babe!"

"It's never easy, but it's always fun!"

"It's either life imprisonment or death for you, scumbag!"

"Surrender, you stupid bastard!"

"You're a worst life waster than George Lucas making those _Star Wars_ Prequels!"

He managed to get his string off, when Scud appeared up the stairs! Woody saw a nearby door and closed it behind him just in time. Scud saw Buzz and the space toy ran behind another door. Scud looked in and saw that the room was Mrs. Philips's room. "Better not make the same mistake again," the mean dog said to himself.

_A week ago, he was chasing the wind-up frog and, when he drove into Mrs. Philips room, he entered by slipping on the floor and knocking the TV down._

_"Sid Philips!" cried Mrs. Philips._

_Later, Sid dragged Scud out of the house and slammed the door._

_"Thanks for getting us into trouble, moron!" snapped Sid, through the letterbox._

_"Some master you are, Master Loser!" said Scud under his breath._

Buzz watched Scud walk away.

"Calling Buzz Lightyear, this is Star Command," said a voice. Buzz looked on the TV, thinking it was the Commander.

He opened his wrist commiuntaor. "Star Command, do you re – "

"Buzz Lightyear here, receiving you loud and clear," said a boy's voice.

"Planet Earth needs your help," said the man's voice.

"On the way!" replied the boy's voice.

And Buzz couldn't believe what he was seeing! He was watching a TV commercial about him and about how he was a toy, how his buttons just make sounds and how he can't fly.

Poor Buzz sighed and walked out into the corridor, feeling very depressed. He didn't see Sid's toys looking at him from the bedroom.

"Aw, what's got you down? Your empty fuel cells?" laughed the walking car.

"Have you done something wrong?" asked the Paw in the Box. "Want to confess your sins?"

"Maybe a little music will cheer you up," Jingle Joe sniggered. He rolled around, making a jingle version of _I Will Go Sailing No More_.

"Piss off!" snapped Buzz. Then he looked at the window and climbed the banister. He opened his wings and stared hard and long.

"Go already!" snapped the frog.

"To infinity and beyond!" Buzz cried and he flew off. He was getting closer and closer and closer to the window. He was about to touch the window, but he took one fell below, landing at the bottom of the stairs. He looked up to see his left arm off.

"Maybe I am a toy, otherwise I'd be bloody bleeding," moaned Buzz. Then he froze as Hannah came walking by. She stepped on Buzz, looked at him and picked him up.


	7. The Meaning of a Toy's Life

Woody's closet's door opened and out he fell wrapped in Christmas lights. Then he was greeted by a really big globe that landed on his head. "Oh, boy," he groaned. "This had better be worth it! I can't believe everyone can just be rich and famous without working hard, like the Hilton children because of their rich granddad."

"There's a secret mission in uncharted space," one of Buzz's buttons said. "Let's clear the bastards out."

He walked to the room and saw Buzz, wearing a party hat and a frilly apron, sat down at a tea party table with two headless dolls. "Well, forget the aliens," said Hannah. "Stay on this planet and save it by helping the environment and the endangered animals and species. But first, let's enjoy a cup of tea, Mrs. Nesbitt."  
>Woody had an idea. "Hannah, there's a solar panel delivery van here," he said in a female voice. "Could you go and sign it for mommy, please?"<p>

Hannah walked out of her room and Woody walked in.

"Buzz, are you okay?" he asked.

"No, I'm defeated!" moaned Buzz. "One minute you're defending the whole universe and then suddenly you're drinking tea with Marie Antoinette and her little sister."  
>"Hi, I'm Marie Antoinette," greeted the pink dress doll.<p>

"No, I'm Marine Antoinette!" protested the blue dress doll.

"No, you're my little sister!" argued the pink dress doll.

"No, you're my bitchy sister!" snapped the blue dress doll.

"Come on, Buzz," said Woody. "Let's leave these headless chicks alone!"

"Can't you see the hat, you blind cowboy?" snapped Buzz. "I'm not Buzz, if I'm not a space ranger. I am Mrs. Nesbitt!"

"Snap out of it, Buzz!" yelled Woody. Then he flipped Buzz's helmet over, punched him in his face and flipped his helmet back on.

"I'm sorry, Sheriff," apologized Buzz. "I'm just a little depressed, that's all. Nothing I can't get through. Nothing at all! I can't get through even a bloody window!"

While Buzz is moaning to himself, Woody looked ahead and saw a window. The window from Sid's room and out of it was the room to Andy's house! "Buzz, I hate to say it, but you're a genius! Come on!" He walked ahead and turned around to see Buzz still sitting and moaning. "Come on!" But Buzz didn't move, so Woody dragged him along.

* * *

><p>In Andy's room, Mr. Potato Head and Hamm were playing the <em>Harry Potter <em>Trivial Pursuit. Hamm had Potato Head's hat on.

"'Name me one difference that's in the books but not in the movies'," read Hamm.

"Hagrid finding Harry Potter in the middle of nowhere like in the book?" guessed Potato Head. "Harry Potter in the _Chambers of Secrets_? The end of the _Deathly Hallows_ where Harry sends his children off to Hogwarts? Woody appearing from Sid's room?"

"Woody appearing from Sid's room?" asked Hamm. He looked ahead to see Woody at Sid's room, but wasn't paying attention. "That's not in either – Wait a minute! Woody!"

Everyone heard Hamm crying about Woody and they all came to the window.

"What are you doing over there?" asked Bo Peep. "Sight-seeing? Taking a trip? Going for a piss?"

"I'll explain everything later, Bo," said Woody. "Here, catch this!"

Woody threw the Christmas lights from Sid's room's window to Andy's room's window. "I got it, Woody!" cried Slinky.

"Great!" smiled Woody. "Now, tie it onto something."

"Wait a minute!" yelled Potato Head. "I got a better idea of getting them across – not at all!" He snatched the lights off Slinky.

"What gives?" Slinky demanded to know.

"Do you idiots want to let that bastard who killed Buzz walk back into the room?"

"No, Potato Brain!" cried Woody. "Buzz is fine. He's here with me."

"Why can't you see that you have always failed to convince me of anything?" snapped Potato Head. "Just like when Pixar asked Hasbro to have G I Joe in the actual movie?"

"Well, I can prove it!" called Woody. "Stay there!"

In Sid's room, Woody turned around. "Buzz, will you come up here and give me a hand?" The only answer he got was Buzz's broken arm. "That's very funny, Buzz. This is serious!" Then he had an idea.

In Andy's room, all the toys could see Woody. "Why don't you say hello to the guys there, Buzz?" said Woody. Then they could Buzz's arm waving. "Hi, fellas. To infinity and beyond!" It sounded a lot like Buzz, but Woody whispered, "My ventriloquism is really good."  
>"Oh, boy, it's Buzz!" exclaimed Rex.<p>

"The sooner you pull us across, the sooner Andy will be happier," Woody went on in his Buzz voice. "I've been through a lot with the Sheriff including Sid's toys, Sid's torture and Sid."

"Come on now, Potato Head, give me the lights back!" ordered Slinky.

"How do_ you_ know it's Buzz?" asked Potato Head. "You're a dog! How do you know anything if you can't see anything, let alone colour?" Then he turned to Woody. "As for you, what are you trying to pull?"

"Nothing!" replied Woody. Then he saw everyone screaming their heads off. He looked around to see what was scaring them. Was it the toy version of Annie Wilkes? Or the Fly? Or the Gremlins? Or Buzz's arm? Or... Buzz's arm! Woody tried to hide it, but the jig was up. "No, it's not what you think! Only idiots like you would think that!"

"You lied to us to protect your reputation!" snapped Potato Head. "And so you could kill off new toys that come to Andy's room. You're a worst traitor than Judas to Jesus. I hope Sid or Satan pulls your voice-box out, you tosser!" And with that Potato Head dropped the lights. "Come on, guys, let's go."

Despite Woody's loud protests, everyone ignored him and walked away. Except Slinky who just stayed, but began to walk away.

"Come on, Slinky, don't _you_ start!" Woody begged.

"Sorry, Woody, but you're not in charge anymore and our lives including mine are happier without you," sighed Slinky, pulling the blind down.

"SLINKY!" But it was no good. Woody was stuck in Sid's room with Buzz and with his mutant toys. The mutant toys! He turned around to see gathering around Buzz.

"Buzz! Get your disease hands off him!" he shouted.

Babyface saw him coming. "I'll take that!" he said, grabbing Buzz's arm off the cowboy doll.

"No, you won't! Get back!" But the arm was taken off Woody. The cowboy doll pushed through the mutant toys. "All right! I'll stop you if I have to kill every one of you!" Then he was stunned. Buzz was still in one piece and more with his arm back on.

"They fixed you!" Woody cried. "But what about the other toys we saw them eat?"

"Not in our bellies for one thing," spat out Babyface, showing a fixed-up Janie and Pterodactyl.

"Yeah, they're really not as bad as they look or act," smiled Janie.

"But _she_ can be when she wants to have sex," said Pterodactyl.

Woody didn't know what to say. Then he said, "I'm sorry, guys. I just thought you were going to eat my friend."

The Paw in the Box arrived next to him. "That's not the only thing you have to be sorry about!" the Paw snapped. "You must repent for everything you did wrong! Tell them all of his sins, guys."

After everyone told Woody how horrible he had been and how rude he had been, Woody felt very sad with everything he had done.

"I'm sorry, Legs, for making fun of your legs; I'm sorry I upset your music, Jingle Joe; and I'm sorry I knocked you out of the window, Buzz."

Then they heard Sid's laughter coming close to the room. The mutant toys ran back to their hiding places. Woody tried to help Buzz hide, but Buzz was too heavy and stilly sulking about himself. Woody gave up on him and hid under a blue crate.

Sid entered his room with a big box. "They came! They really came!" he exclaimed, as he put the box down and opened it. He took out the _Millennium Falcon_, an X-Wing, a Y-Wing, the Starship _Enterprise_, the Battlestar _Galatica_, _Jupiter 2, _Wallace and Gromit's orange rocket and finally a blue rocket called... "The Big One!" read Sid. "What shall I blow?" He looked around and stepped on Buzz. "Perfect! I always wanted to blow up a space ranger."

Woody saw Sid pick up Buzz and heard some tape being wrapped. After Woody checked his watch after taking so long, he saw Buzz strapped to a rocket! "Now, if the weather's isn't rainy or stormy, I'll take you out now and blow you up!" Sid told Buzz. But his chance was already blown up. "Oh, no. Oh, man! But don't get your hopes up to high, Lightyear. We will resume take-off in the morning, for tomorrow's forecast will be sunny. Sweet dreams!" And Sid went off to bed.

* * *

><p>Woody had been trying to lift the crate up, but he was too weak to do it. "Help! Is there anyone who can help me? Help!" yelled Woody. The first one who came was a toy version Grawp. He grabbed the crate and began lifting it up.<p>

"No, no, no, Grawp!" yelled the toy version of Hagrid. "Put it down! You'll only do more harm than good."

Grawp obeyed and walked away. Then a toy version of a weak and wounded Jedi Knight (one from the prequels) came and tried to use the force, but a toy version of Darth Vader used his lightsabre and cut his head off. "The originals still rule!" yelled Vader.

"How can _that_ be a real lightsabre?" asked Woody.

Then came a poorly, diseased prostitute doll. She went to the crate and tried lifting it up, but she was too weak and too poorly. "Don't hurt yourself, babe," Woody told her. "I wasn't going to pay you anyway, as I have no money."

As the prostitute doll left, Woody turned to Buzz. "Buzz, come over here and see if you can get the toolkit box off me." Buzz didn't move. "Look, I'm sorry about everything. I admit it's my fault that _both_ of us are out of Andy's room. But I can't fix any of this without your help."

"I can't help," moaned Buzz. "That's why I wouldn't let you drag me to safety."

"Why?" Woody demanded to know.

"Because, Woody, _I _admit you were right all the time about me _not_ being a space ranger, but just a stupid, crap shitful toy!"

"Being a toy is much better than a space ranger," Woody said. "A kid next door thinks you're the greatest and it's not because you're a space ranger; it's because you are his toy. Just like Neil Armstrong, Taylor Swift and Johnny Depp; they're loved by their families not because how successful or rich they are, but by how much they love them."

But still Buzz didn't move. Woody sighed and gave up, turning around. Then something landed above him.

"Buzz, what are you doing?" asked Woody.

"All I need was a little confession from you, Sheriff," replied Buzz. "And since I _am_ a toy, I want to make sure that you're just using me to get back to that kid next door that needs me. Now, let's get you out!"

"Yes, sir," said Woody. And they each pushed their boxes together. Then Woody got out. "Okay, Buzz, I'm out!"

But Buzz didn't hear Woody so he carried on pushing the box. "Almost there!" Only then did he realise he went too far. "Whoops!"

Then a beep from Sid's Iphone woke him up. "'Sid, how are your toys?'" he read. "'In pieces, I suspect. Well, my fish are all gone, but luckily my uncle will give a new one when I go to visit him at the dentist. Darla.' Well, you've had your break now, Lightyear, time for blast-off!" He grabbed Buzz and started to unlock his door. "To infinity and beyond!"

Woody waited under the toolbox until Sid left the room. Then he ran out of the door. He began to chase Sid, but he was blocked off by Scud. "What are you looking at, tiny boy?" he asked.

Woody had to think quickly. "Squirrel!" he shouted pointing to a window.

"Where?" asked Scud, turning his head to the window. Then he heard a door shut tight. Sid's door was not open anymore. He heard snickering and he turned to see three dogs called Alpha, Beta and Gamma.

"I can't believe you fell for the old trick in the book," chuckled Gamma.

"Yeah, no wonder our master gave you to your new master," mocked Alpha.

"Well, FYI, life with Sid is ten times much better than with Charles Muntz," Sid spat back. "Besides I'm the dog that can talk through my mouth, not my collar."

That insult made the dogs cry.


	8. Sheriff Woody to the Rescue

Woody didn't know what to do. "What am I to do?" asked Woody. "What can a mad, brainless, sexy, good-natured ravisher like me do?"

"Kill yourself, for one thing," snickered the Rockmobile, as the mutant toys came out.

"Guys!" exclaimed Woody happily. But then the toys ran off again. "No, wait! There's a good toy down there and he's going to get blown up all because of me. I can't rescue him without your help."

"What's in it for us?" Babyface demanded to know.

"If we go out and reveal Sid our true selves, maybe he'll stop killing you and treat you more nicely," Woody said. "And you can make him whatever you want to look like and you'll get to treat him like shit!" But none of the toys look convinced. "Wherever this convinces you or not, he's my friend and the only one I have."

"That'll work," smiled Babyface, as he did tapped in code on the side of Sid's metal post. All the mutant toys came around Woody.

"I could've said that in the first place," Woody said to Babyface, "but I thought you guys wouldn't let me have that."

"Well, we mutant toys aren't as stupid as we look," said Babyface.

"Anyway," Woody said, as he turned to the toys. "Get a game board with dominoes and Scrabble tiles." The toys obeyed and the Sheriff made a map of Sid's house. He gave each toy a job in part of the plan.

"Question?" the Paw-in-the-box said. "Who put you in charge anyway? After all the bad things you did..."

"And how do we know you have the brains to lead us, let alone the experience?" asked Babyface. "I would have said experience first, but it's all about brains now, isn't it?"

"Well, I'm not a boastful person, but who was the guy who tried to step out of Sid's room and avoided Scud and succeeded?" asked Woody.

"Well, you came back and Scud is out there waiting for us," Jingle Joe told him.

"Those tiny fools have got _that_ right, at least!" cried Scud from the other side of the door.

"Or I can just go down there myself and let you guys live the way you live your lives, which is not live and let live, but _Live and Let Die, Live and Let Die_..."

"Okay, what are your orders... sir?" asked the Frog.

"All right! Less talk, more moving!" ordered Woody and everyone went to their positions.

Everyone got into position. The Walking Car winded up the Frog, Babyface lifted up the Rockmobile who lifted up the Paw in the Box to reach the handle on the door and everyone else including Woody, Janie and Pterodactyl gathered on Roller Bob.

"Wait for the signal," commanded Woody, but everyone got bored. They were waiting for Ducky and Legs, who went into an air vent.

* * *

><p>"Boy, never had a chance to walk through an air vent with a hot toy," smiled Ducky, as he hopped down the vent as quickly as he could. "Seriously, you still look very hot."<p>

"Don't think you'll have a chance with me," snapped Legs. "Once Woody and Buzz have gone and Sid stops treating us like crap and fix us, I'll go back to Molly's room with the pretty toys and you'll probably stay with Sid."  
>"Fine," said Ducky. Then he whispered to himself unhurt, "I like tough toys."<p>

Soon they reached their destination. They lifted up a baby dummy out of the roof and Legs lifted Ducky down in front of the Philips' door. Ducky swung back and forth to reach the door bell. It took ages and ages.

"You may be very short, but you're very heavy!" moaned Legs, struggling to hold him. "No wonder you never made it in the Toy Olympics!"

Finally, Ducky pressed the doorbell.

* * *

><p>Woody and the mutant toys heard the doorbell. "Well, after seeing forty-five minutes of <em>Jackass<em>, I think we're ready now," said Woody. "Go!"

The Walking Car let go of the Frog, who ran out of the room. Scud saw him and chased him. "You're fast, but you're not as fast as you look," panted Scud as he chased the Frog.

"I think the question is, 'Are you clever as you consider yourself?'" chuckled the Frog, as he ran through Hannah's legs and out of the house. Scud, focusing on the Frog, ran out of the house, knocking Hannah over.

"Hey, you sorry-ass fools, I'm not finished with you!" barked Scud.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Scud?" Hannah demanded.

"I was chasing these toys from Sid's room and..."

"Yeah, right, you stupid dog!" And, with that, Hannah shut the door, leaving Scud out.

But, with that mean dog out of the way, Woody and the mutant toys came down the stairs. So his plan was working. Out of the dog flap they went and into the back yard. They peeked out of the bush they were hiding in to check if the coast was clear. Woody turned to see Ducky, Legs and the Frog coming out of the nearest drainpipe.

"Okay! To your positions!" commanded Woody. And that's where everyone went.

* * *

><p>Buzz was in froze mode on a blue crate still strapped to the rocket. He saw Woody coming towards him. "Woody, for the first time in my life, I'm very pleased to see you," said Buzz. "Help me get this rocket off me."<p>

"Don't worry, I know what I'm doing," said Woody before he went limped.

"What _are_ you doing?" asked Buzz. "Whatever it is, I hope it's more cunning than Baldrick's cunning plan."  
>"What's wrong with my cunning plans?" asked a doll version of World War One Baldrick.<p>

"They're as successful as Mark David Chapman who got away with the murder of John Lennon – not!" snapped a doll version of World War One Blackadder.

Sid came out with a box of matches. He saw Woody. "Hey, how did you get here?" he asked. "Never mind. We can have a cook-out later." He chucked Woody on the barbecue and stuck a match in his holster.

Sid went to Buzz and lit his match. "And counting. Ten, nine, two, one!" He nearly lit the fuse when – "Reach for the sky!" Sid stopped and turned to see Woody. "This town ain't big enough for the two of us! And neither are the hot chicks that live here!" The voice was coming from Woody – his voice box. "Somebody's poisoned the waterhole!"

Sid picked up Woody and studied him. "It's crapped up!" he said and turned to throw him away, when –

"Who's crapped up, Crap Head?" said the voice box. Sid stopped and looked at the limp Woody again. "So you figured it out. Well done, Sid Philips! Top of the class! Now here comes your detention!"

"Detention?" Sid was puzzled.

"For the way you treat us toys," went on Woody's voice box. "We don't like being blown up, Sid, or mashed or ripped apart."  
>"We?"<p>

"Your toys, duh!"

Then Sid turned around to see toys rising out of the ground, the sand box and the lake, including all of Sid's mutant toys and other forgotten toys like Alf's head on Chewbecca's body, C-3PO's head on a Cyberman's body and R2-D2's dome on a Dalek's body.

Sid was forced to walk backwards when something touched his head. He screamed and turned around to see Babyface being hooked on by Legs above.

"I got you!" Babyface chuckled. "I know pranks are for teenagers, but I got you and I'm only one."

Then a giant paw grabbed Sid's leg. He looked down to see Roller Bob, carrying the Paw-in-the-box, Janie and Pterodactyl. Sid was now trapped in a circle created by the mutant toys.

"So, from now on, you must take good care of your toys," the voice box from Woody said. "Because if not, we'll find out, Sid. And so will you. We toys are not blind as bats. We can see everything." His face rolled around and then – "So play nice!" snapped Woody speaking out of his own mouth. "And be nice to women too."

Sid screamed and ran for it. Woody and the toys were very proud of themselves. "We did it! We did it!" Woody cheered. "Roller Bob, you should be renamed Speedy Bob. Legs, you were hot as you look. Paw-in-the-box, Jesus' spirit was with you."

"Woody, thanks," smiled Buzz, as he put his hand.

Woody got up and shook it. "No problem, Buzz. It was worth it for my new friend and all the chick toys I'm going to get when we get back."

Then they heard a car beep. They saw through the fence the Davis' car was starting.

Woody quickly hoisted the pole that Buzz was tied to off and they ran to the fence. "We've got to run, guys! I Hope Sid will treat you better now! Thanks for all your help!" Woody called to the toys. Woody got through, but Buzz was trapped under the fence with his rocket. Woody was on the car when he saw this.

"Just go, Woody!" Buzz ordered. "I'll catch up!" But Woody disobeyed and went to him and freed him. They went to out on the road and tried to catch up with the car, but it took off. They turned to see to avoid the moving truck just in time. They got up and began to chase it, but they had to avoid Lighting McQueen, followed by Mater, Sally, Luigi, Guido and Mack.

"Any more _Cars_?" asked Woody.

"Not I can see," replied Buzz. "Come on, let's go!"

Scud was out sleeping on the porch. He woke up and saw Woody and Buzz running to the moving van.

"My scared owner maybe finished with you dough toys, but _I'm_ not," he growled through his teeth.


	9. Catch the Damn Moving Truck

Woody and Buzz was running like the wind, trying to catch the damn moving truck. While they were running, they were greeted by a wind-up version of the road-runner who mee-meeped them and stormed off. They were also greeted by a doll version of Wild E. Coyote on a home-made go-kart. He held up a sign saying, 'A TOY'S LIFE AIN'T NO EASIER!'

Buzz reached the strap hanging from the truck and climbed up. Woody struggled to catch it.

"Come on, Woody! You can do it!" Buzz said.

Woody managed to catch it. "I've got it! I made it! I'm Sheriff Woody, the greatest, the smartest, the handsomest, the – " Then he heard barking. He turned to see Scud running after them. " – dog-bait."

"I'm coming to get you!" barked Scud, running to Woody and ticking his teeth in his leg.

"Piss off, you stupid dog!" yelled Woody. "Go and take a piss somewhere, like behind that bush over there!" But Scud still had his teeth in his leg. Woody stuck his finger up. "Look! See this? It means go away!" But Scud was pulling Woody down and couldn't hold on. "Take care of Andy for me!" he told Buzz.

"No!" yelled Buzz as he jumped on Scud's face and pulled his eyelids. He let go off Woody, but started fighting Buzz instead. Scud shook his head so much that Buzz let go and hid under the nearest car!

Woody, still hanging on the strap, saw the whole thing. He climbed up, opened the back door and looked inside the van. He looked around the labelled boxes, including BOOKS, DVDS, CLOTHES, UNDERWEAR, CONDOMS AND SEXY STUFF and TOYS. Woody went to the TOYS box and opened it. Woody didn't notice the toys were surprised to see him, but the toys _did_ notice him when he walked away and went to the MORE TOYS box and got out R.C.

"When you get to Buzz, tell him to get on," Woody told R.C., as he pushed him out of the moving truck.

"He's at it again!" Rex cried. "Wait a minute. What did he do before?"

"Get that bastard!" yelled Potato Head.

Woody saw the angry toys coming towards him so he had to act quickly.

* * *

><p>R.C. managed to sneak past Scud and catch up with Buzz.<p>

"Woody says get on me and he'll drive us to the moving van," R.C. told Buzz.

"How much is a fare and who will pay?" asked Buzz.

"It's $5.99 per mile and the rescuee will have to pay," answered R.C.

"But I don't see – "

"No time for complaints!" interrupted R.C. "Just get on. Woody is getting attacked by Andy's angry toys."  
>Buzz did as he was told and R.C. drove away.<p>

"You're not getting away _that_ easily!" shouted Scud as he chased them.

Buzz looked ahead and saw traffic lights, turning red. "Oh, yeah?"

Buzz and R.C. went through the red lights and managed to avoid the moving cars. Sadly for Scud, he didn't and he managed to cause a car crash, causing five cars in a circle around him.

"Yeah, try and chase this, you bitch!" laughed Buzz, sticking his finger up at him.

* * *

><p>Back inside the moving van, Woody was captured by Rocky and Barnaby Gibraltar and all the other toys were chanting, "Toss him overboard! Toss him overboard!"<p>

"No, you don't understand!" Woody cried. "Buzz is out there! We got to help him!"

"Toss him overboard!" ordered Potato Head, before his whole face fell off after being whacked by R.C.'s remote held in Woody's hand.

And Woody was off the moving truck and left on the road. The toys were very pleased with themselves and they began to celebrate. Then Lenny looked out and spoke. "Hey, guys, look! There's a poster of the upcoming _Toy Story 4_. It's Chinese New Year in Chinatown. Woody's riding R.C. and Buzz is with him. And, look, there's a bunch of rats entering a restaurant with a health inspector in there already and – "

"Wait!" exclaimed Bo Peep, picking up Lenny and looking through him. She could see Woody and Buzz on R.C. driving towards them. "It _does_ look like Buzz. Woody might have been telling the truth."

The toys looked out and saw that Bo, Lenny and Woody were _not_ lying and they all began to feel guilty. "So much for short victory," moaned Hamm.

"What have we done?" Slinky sighed.

"Great! Now I have guilt!" moaned Rex. "Unlike you, Slinky."  
>"What do you mean?" asked Slinky. "I just said, 'What have we done?'"<p>

"Well, you don't believe in God or Jesus or anything religious or their teachings so you can't know anything about feeling guilty or penance."

"Atheists _do_ have feelings like guilt and penance and I'm feeling guilty like the rest of the toys, all right?" growled Slinky.

"Guys! Less talk, more helping Woody and Buzz!" yelled Bo to the toys. "Rocky, Barnaby, the ramp!"

Rocky and Barnaby ran to the edge of the truck, pulled the lever down and the ramp was going down.

"We'll just get on that ramp, jump on them and they'll lift us up, unless there are sparks flying in our faces or helmet," said Woody. But 'unless' was right. "Oh, great! Now we can't get on!"

"Quick! Grab hold off my tail!" ordered Slinky.

"What? Hold the thing above your arse and see you fart and poop?" asked Potato Head.

"Yes! Just do it!" Rex and Potato Head held Slinky's tail, as he jumped on the ramp and held his paw to Woody, who caught it.

"Oh, it had to be you," moaned Woody.

But soon Slinky was pulled off the ramp and Woody held both paws. "Speed up, Woody!" Slinky told him.

"Speed up, Buzz!" Woody yelled.

"The batteries are running out and we're taking advantage of R.C.'s power!" Buzz shouted.

Slinky was stretching very far now. His slinky was slinked to the very end, letting a gas! "Slinky!" moaned Potato Head and Rex.

"I can't hold on much longer!" Slinky groaned.

"Slink, hang on! If you give it all you got, I'll like you more!" Woody begged. But Slinky couldn't and dropped back into the truck. "Now I'll hate you just the same."

R.C. went slower and slower until they came to a complete stop. They watch the moving van go further and further away.

"Great!" moaned Woody.

"Woody, what about the rocket?" through Buzz.

"If only I had something to set it off," Woody thought. Then he had something. "The match! Thank you, Sid! That's the only good you've done for any toy."  
>Woody lit the match and slowly aimed it for the fuse on the rocket, but a giant car passed by very quickly and the match went out. "Oh, no!" cried Woody. "Oh, no, no, no, no, no! I'll never see those hot chick toys again! I'll never get played with Andy again! And I won't see his girlfriends and having his first sex! And now I'm getting burnt from the sunlight!" He looked at the sunlight on his hand, saw that the sun beam was coming from Buzz's helmet.<p>

Woody happily dragged Buzz closer to the rocket as he could be. "Woody, what are you doing?" asked Buzz.

"Hold still, Buzz!" Woody ordered. Buzz saw the fuse shine from his helmet, sparkle and lit up! Woody quickly got back on R.C.

"Next stop: Andy!" Buzz said happily.

"Wait a minute," said Woody. "I just lit a rocket. Rockets explode!"

ZOOM! The rocket took off and Woody and Buzz holding onto R.C. was shooting like a bullet to a brain. All the toys outside on the gardens on this sunny day were watching and cheering them like it was a launch from Space Camp Kennedy.

* * *

><p>Back on the moving van, the toys were making a fuss over Slinky.<p>

"You were a very brave dog," said Potato Head.

"Braver than Lassie," said Hamm.

"And you're better than the dogs Paris Hilton keeps," Rex joined in.

"Stop making a fuss about me," groaned Slinky. "Just do something about Woody and Buzz."

"Look!" cried Lenny. "It's Woody and Buzz coming up fast!" Everyone saw Woody and Buzz on R.C. zooming towards them, but Woody and Buzz let go of R.C., who shot straight into the truck and bumped straight into Potato Head, knocking his pieces off.

"I demand my pay rise gets doubled for this!" he moaned.

* * *

><p>High in the sky, Woody and Buzz were still going up and up!<p>

"This is the part where we blow up!" cried Woody. "Repent your sins, Buzz!"  
>"That won't be necessary," Buzz said back, pressing his big red button. His wings shot out and they ducked down just before the rocket exploded like a supernova.<p>

Woody saw he was heading straight for telephone line and he closed his eyes, but he felt like he avoided it and he was still high in the air. He opened his eyes and saw that...

"Hey, Buzz, you're flying!" he exclaimed to the space ranger toy.

"This isn't flying!" Buzz said. "_That's_ flying!" Woody saw that Buzz was meaning a giant house with balloons in the sky.

In the house were Carl Frederickson and Russell. "Hey, look, Mr. Frederickson!" Russell cried. "There's a flying Buzz Lightyear carrying a cowboy doll in the sky."

"Yeah, right, kid," moaned Carl.

Back outside Buzz and Woody were getting closer and closer to the moving van, but Buzz passed it.

"Uh, Buzz, we missed the truck!" Woody told him.

"We're not aiming for the tuck!" Buzz said back as he was flying towards the Davis' car.

* * *

><p>In the car, poor Andy was still upset. Then he jumped when something landed near him. He looked in the box and smiled.<p>

"Wow!" exclaimed Andy.

"What is it?" asked his mom.

"Woody! Buzz!" It was true. Andy held Woody in his right arm and Buzz in his left arm.

"Where were they?"

"Here in the car!"

"See, I told you left them somewhere," said his mom.

As Andy hugged the limp toys, they moved their faces and whispered both to each other, "At Dinoco!" before they went limp again.


	10. Credits

"Months later, Andy and his family had settled in the new house and Woody and Buzz was both Andy's favourite toys and best friends. All the toys had forgiven Woody and accepted him back as his leader, even Potato Head. And whenever new toys came, they were greeted and treated as good friends, except for Potato Head who got a wife at Christmas and gave him hell! Oh, yeah, and Andy got a new puppy who would bark and chew and pee and poop on – "

The lights came on just before Peter could finish. Everyone cheered.

"Cool story, Peter!" cheered Cleveland.

"Yeah, it really entertained us," added Joe.

There were more approvals from everyone.

"Hey, Peter, if I was good in that story, do you think you could write to Seth MacFarlane and persuade him to give me my own show?" asked Quagmire.

"Quagmire, I only put you as Woody because you looked the closest to him and you like to hit chicks like he does with the chick toys," Peter told him. "And I casted Cleveland as Buzz because they both have their own spin-offs."

"Maybe you can write to Pixar and seeing if they're searching for a role you can play," suggested Lois.

"Yeah, playing a rapist who rapes chicks," said Brian. "Hardly the movie Pixar would make." Everyone laughed at this.  
>"Ha, ha, very funny!" snapped Quagmire. "You won't be laughing when I become famous!" And he walked out angrily.<p>

Everyone was silent. "Well, let's see what's on TV now, eh?" said Peter, as he turned the TV on.

"Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker," greeted Tom Tucker.

"And I'm Joyce Kidney," joined in Joyce.

"Tonight, about five seconds ago, a man called Glenn Quagmire bumped into a girl and is charged for rape, despite his denials," said Tom.

"Well, he's famous now," said Chris.

THE END

(But check out the upcoming sequel: _Older and Newer_)

* * *

><p><strong>Cast List<strong>

Toys

Glenn Quagmire as Woody

Cleveland Brown as Buzz Lightyear

Peter Griffin as Mr. Potato Head

Chris Griffin as Rex

Brian Griffin as Slinky Dog

Carl as Hamm

Mort Goldman as Lenny

Jillian as Bo Peep

Phineas and Barnaby as Rocky and Barnaby Gibraltar

Steve as RC

Tom Tucker as Etch

Captain Monty (from _American Dad!_) as Mr. Spell

Seamus as Mr. Shark

Santos and Pasqual as Snake and Robot

A Barrow of Evil Monkeys

Stan Smith (from _American Dad!_) as Sarge

Jeremy as Aliens

Stewie Griffin as Baby face

Bertram as the frog

Beauregard LaFontaine as Jingle Joe

Tim the Bear (from the _Cleveland Show_) as the Paw-in-the-box

Coach Charles McFall (from _The Cleveland Show_) as the Rockmobile

Rallo Tubbs (from _The Cleveland Show_) as the Walking Car

Joe Swanson as Roller Bob

Holt (from _the Cleveland Show_) as Ducky

Connie D'Amico as Legs

Sanders and Jackson (from _American Dad!_) as Combat Carls

Meg Griffin and Neil Goldman as Janie and Pterodactyl

Lisa as Sally

Terry and Greg (from _American Dad!_) as Marie Antoinette and her little sister

Humans and Animals

Johnny Collins (from _American Dad!_) as Andy

Olivia as Molly

Lisa Collins (from _American Dad!_) as Andy's Mom

James Woods as Sid

Robert (from _the Cleveland Show_) as Scud

Hayley Smith (from _American Dad!)_ as Hannah

Cameos

Frozone (toy from_ The Incredibles_)

John Bunnell (voice only)

Yoda (toy from _Star Wars_)

Indiana Jones (toy from _Indiana Jones_)

Henry Jones Sr. (toy from _Indiana Jones_)

Sallah (toy from _Indiana Jones_)

Marcus Brody (toy from _Indiana Jones_)

A Dalek (toy from _Doctor Who_)

Rancor (toy from _Star Wars_)

Scooby Doo and Mystery Inc. (toys from _Mystery Inc._)

Carl Frederickson (toy from _Up_)

Carl Frederickson (real-life from _Up_)

Russell (real-life from _Up_)

Annie Wilkes (toy from _Misery_)

The Fly (toy from _The Fly_)

The Gerlims (toys from _The Gerlims_)

Grawp (toy from _Harry Potter_)

Hagrid (toy from _Harry Potter_)

Jedi Knight (toy from _Star Wars_)

Darth Vader (toy from _Star Wars_)

Alpha, Beat and Gammas (real dogs from _Up_)

Blackadder (toy from _Blackadder Goes Fourth_)

Baldrick (toy from _Blackadder Goes Fourth_)

Lighting McQueen (real cars from _Cars_)

Mater (real cars from _Cars_)

Sally (real cars from _Cars_)

Luigi and Guido (real cars from _Cars_)

Mack (real cars from _Cars_)

Road Runner (toy from _Looney Tunes_)

Wild E. Coyote (toy from _Looney Tunes_)

Credits:

Written by Bobby South

_Family Guy, American Dad! _and _The Cleveland Show _created by Seth Macfarlane

_Family Guy_ co-developed by David Zuckerman

_American Dad! _co-created by Mike Barker and Matt Weiztman

_The Cleveland Show_ co-created by Mike Henry and Richard Appel

Based on_ Toy Story,_ story by John Lasseter, Peter Docter, Andrew Stanton and Joe Ranft and screenplay by Joss Whedon, Andrew Stanton, Joel Cohen and Alec Sokolow.


End file.
